I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Text me some of your sweat
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