I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Randomize
