Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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