just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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