I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up under a house in Key West
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
