I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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