Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
