Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
