Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
