just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
