I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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