I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
