watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
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My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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