Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
