rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
