I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
