the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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