So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
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