I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
