I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
