having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
