I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize