Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
false alarm, still single
Randomize
