She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.