You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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