i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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