im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
