meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
this hospital has no fireball
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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