good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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