take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
