You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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