I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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