I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
