Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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