did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
