I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
