i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
