What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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