Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
