i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
