it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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