I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I am mentally ready for anal.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
