I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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