There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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