i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
