I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
