just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
