That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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