Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
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