Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
