I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There was a lot of him and a little penis
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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