and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
