Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Holy sore nipples Batman
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
