i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
