sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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