My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
