I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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