I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
