Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
